October 6, 2011

Review Crow vs. Tetris Axis

Filed under: Editorial Rants — Tags: , , , , — Review Crow @ 7:18 pm

Review Crow versus Tetris Axis
Caw caw, c-caw caw caw, caaaw! Caw ca-caw, caw caw caw caaaaaaw; c-caw caaaw! Caw, Caw caaaaw caw c-caw – caw c-caw caw caaaaaw!

[Review Crow would like to start off by mentioning shiny things – bottle caps, dew worms, keys, nickels, dimes, quarters, toonies, and loonies. Review Crow feels it is important that you know these things are shiny, and that shiny things are of interest to him, because he has to report that Tetris Axis is not such a shiny thing.]

Caw! C-caw caw! Caaaw! Cawww! Caw c-caw caw caw! Caaaaw! Caw Caw; ca-caaw! Caw!

[Visually, Review Crow feels that the presentation is below par for a Nintendo published title, and perhaps what a canary might envision as pleasing to the eye while working in a coal mine. Review Crow recalls an albatross describing Las Vegas once, and feels that perhaps that too would be a good comparison for the offensive aesthetics.]

Caw ca-caw, caw caw caw caaaaaaw! Caaaw! Caw caaaaaaw c-caw caaaw! Caw c-caw caw caaaaaw! C-caw caw! Caw c-caw – caw caw c-caw caaaw!

[Review Crow is obligated to mention that Hudson has crammed many modes of play into this release.

While traditional Tetris is present, there are also modes that do everything from let players complete a picture with blocks, to slapping down pieces in order to assist a stickman with climbing to the top of a tower. Review Crow feels this is all slight-of-hand given that all these additional modes do what they have always done – fill up a game cartridge to justify a higher price than if players were sold the solitary experience they come looking for.]

Caw ca-caw, caw caw caw! Caw c-caw, caaaaw! Caw c-caw caaaw! C-caw caw caw caw, caw caw – caw, c-caaaaaw ca-caaw!

[Review Crow feels that the saving grace here is the online play. Review Crow played many players over the Internets, and feels that the ability to play many other humans at once might stave off buyers remorse – the power-ups also allow Review Crow to be a jerk. Review Crow is very fond of gaining a swap-screen power-up and ruining his own screen right before swapping with a human. Review Crow likes to imagine the tears said human cries at that moment, and wonders what they would taste like.]

Caw caw, c-caw caw caw! Caw c-caw caw caw! Caw caaaaaaw! Caw c-caw caw; c-caw caw caw c-caw caw c-caw caaaw!

[Ultimately Review Crow feels that the unpleasant presentation and lackluster effort can’t keep a timeless game down, especially given the online fun. But Review Crow stresses that it would be best to let the price decay before swooping in for a purchase. Review Crow can’t avoid mentioning that bulking up 3DS games that could sell for less or even digitally doesn’t fit the beak.]

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